🧠 Working With Triggers
A guide for understanding and responding to emotional overwhelm
From Ashley Russell, EMDR Therapist | emdrbristol.org
When we become emotionally triggered, the thinking and reflective parts of the brain can temporarily go offline. In these moments, the nervous system shifts into survival mode. This can lead to reactions that feel intense, confusing, disproportionate, or hard to control.
This is not weakness, manipulation, or “overreacting.”
It is the nervous system trying to protect us.
Understanding this can help reduce shame, blame, arguments, and escalation.
What Happens During a Trigger?
When the nervous system detects danger (real, remembered, or perceived), the brain prioritises survival over reflection.
The more reflective part of the brain — the prefrontal cortex — becomes less active.
The more emotional and survival-based parts of the brain — including the limbic system and brainstem — become more dominant.
This can lead to:
The nervous system usually needs safety before solutions.
🌿 Part 1: For The Triggered Person
Step 1:
Notice The Signs Early
Triggers often begin in the body before the mind catches up.
You may notice:
Step 2:
Name What Is Happening
Try saying internally or out loud:
Step 3:
Ground Before Communicating
Before trying to explain yourself or continue the discussion, focus on regulating the nervous system.
You do not need to force calmness.
The aim is simply to become a little more anchored.
Things that may help:
Step 4:
Ask For What You Need
When possible, try to communicate clearly and simply.
Examples:
🤝 Part 2: For The Other Person
What Usually Doesn’t Help
When someone is triggered, these responses often escalate distress:
What Helps More
Your role is not to “fix” the emotion.
Your role is to help create enough safety for reflection to return.
Try:
Remember:
A triggered nervous system is not usually asking:
“Who is right?”
It is often asking:
“Am I safe?”
🌱 Working Together After A Trigger
Once both people are calmer, it can help to reflect together:
The goal is recognising the trigger earlier, reducing escalation, and helping both people feel safer and more connected over time.
💡 Ashley’s Tip
If conversations repeatedly become reactive or circular, stop trying to finish them in the moment.
Most couples do not need better arguments.
They need better nervous system regulation.
📄 Download this as a printable PDF:
🧠 Working With Triggers – Ashley Russell
🖋 Created by Ashley Russell, EMDR Therapist | emdrbristol.org
✴️ Adapted from trauma-informed approaches including the work of Janina Fisher, Stephen Porges, Dan Siegel, and EMDR-informed practice.
Feel free to share it with others — just keep the credit and the care.
A guide for understanding and responding to emotional overwhelm
From Ashley Russell, EMDR Therapist | emdrbristol.org
When we become emotionally triggered, the thinking and reflective parts of the brain can temporarily go offline. In these moments, the nervous system shifts into survival mode. This can lead to reactions that feel intense, confusing, disproportionate, or hard to control.
This is not weakness, manipulation, or “overreacting.”
It is the nervous system trying to protect us.
Understanding this can help reduce shame, blame, arguments, and escalation.
What Happens During a Trigger?
When the nervous system detects danger (real, remembered, or perceived), the brain prioritises survival over reflection.
The more reflective part of the brain — the prefrontal cortex — becomes less active.
The more emotional and survival-based parts of the brain — including the limbic system and brainstem — become more dominant.
This can lead to:
- Feeling flooded or overwhelmed
- Panic, anger, shutdown, numbness, or confusion
- Difficulty thinking clearly
- Struggling to take in reassurance or logic
- Becoming reactive or defensive
- Feeling suddenly unsafe, abandoned, criticised, trapped, or ashamed
The nervous system usually needs safety before solutions.
🌿 Part 1: For The Triggered Person
Step 1:
Notice The Signs Early
Triggers often begin in the body before the mind catches up.
You may notice:
- Tight chest
- Racing thoughts
- Heat or agitation
- Shaking
- Going blank
- Feeling small, scared, trapped, angry, or desperate
- Wanting to flee, attack, defend, or shut down
Step 2:
Name What Is Happening
Try saying internally or out loud:
- “I think I’m triggered.”
- “My nervous system is activated.”
- “This feels dangerous, even if it may not actually be dangerous.”
- “I don’t need to solve this immediately.”
Step 3:
Ground Before Communicating
Before trying to explain yourself or continue the discussion, focus on regulating the nervous system.
You do not need to force calmness.
The aim is simply to become a little more anchored.
Things that may help:
- Slowing the breath
- Feeling feet on the floor
- Holding something cold
- Looking around the room slowly
- Naming 5 things you can see
- Moving your body physically
- Going outside briefly
- Pausing the conversation
Step 4:
Ask For What You Need
When possible, try to communicate clearly and simply.
Examples:
- “I need a pause.”
- “Please don’t try to fix this right now.”
- “I need reassurance, not logic.”
- “I need quiet.”
- “Can you stay near me?”
- “I need ten minutes.”
🤝 Part 2: For The Other Person
What Usually Doesn’t Help
When someone is triggered, these responses often escalate distress:
- Over-explaining
- Defending yourself immediately
- Telling them they are irrational
- Using too much logic
- Demanding instant calmness
- Taking the reaction personally
- Following them if they need space
- Trying to “win” the argument
What Helps More
Your role is not to “fix” the emotion.
Your role is to help create enough safety for reflection to return.
Try:
- Speaking more slowly
- Lowering your tone
- Using fewer words
- Validating emotion without necessarily agreeing with conclusions
- Staying calm yourself
- Giving space if requested
- Encouraging grounding
- Returning to the conversation later
- “I can see you’re overwhelmed.”
- “We don’t have to solve this right now.”
- “You’re safe.”
- “Let’s pause.”
- “I’m here.”
- “Let’s come back to this later.”
Remember:
A triggered nervous system is not usually asking:
“Who is right?”
It is often asking:
“Am I safe?”
🌱 Working Together After A Trigger
Once both people are calmer, it can help to reflect together:
- What triggered the reaction?
- What helped?
- What made things worse?
- Were there early warning signs?
- What might we do differently next time?
The goal is recognising the trigger earlier, reducing escalation, and helping both people feel safer and more connected over time.
💡 Ashley’s Tip
If conversations repeatedly become reactive or circular, stop trying to finish them in the moment.
Most couples do not need better arguments.
They need better nervous system regulation.
📄 Download this as a printable PDF:
🧠 Working With Triggers – Ashley Russell
🖋 Created by Ashley Russell, EMDR Therapist | emdrbristol.org
✴️ Adapted from trauma-informed approaches including the work of Janina Fisher, Stephen Porges, Dan Siegel, and EMDR-informed practice.
Feel free to share it with others — just keep the credit and the care.